I molested 6 butterflies tonight
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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