k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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