if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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