yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
