he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just invented taco cereal.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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