Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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