Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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