Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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