He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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