Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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