Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
