I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize