: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
