When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
