i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
