Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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