when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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