so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize