Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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