It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
