dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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