Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
