So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
