my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
