I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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