Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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