I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I smell like Dick and happiness
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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