I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
