so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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