Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
