We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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