It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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