oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
