whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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