I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
