The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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