and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
