You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
