Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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