after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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