Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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