Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
