btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
