Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Floor bacon is actually really good
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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