I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
