Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
