I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize