last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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