I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize