3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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