After last night, I could never be a politician.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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