i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
