Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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