like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
