Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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