Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
