So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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