I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
it's great music for shaving your balls
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
