i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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